What My Daughter Has Taught Me About Trusting God

Confession time: I have control issues. Wait, what? That doesn't surprise you? Oh. Well then. Moving on.

I have this idea in my head that *I* know what's best for my life and the life of my family. I have the best plans. I try my hardest to be the best person I can be, and gosh dangit, only I know how to achieve that.

I worry incessantly. About mostly stupid things. But sometimes, my worries are legitimate. And looking back so far, I think one of the biggest worries in my life occurred when I became pregnant with my little Mary.

I knew, of course, that it was possible I could get pregnant again. My husband and I don't use contraception, and we are fully aware that every time we have intercourse there is a possibility of pregnancy. (And, by the way, even if you DO use contraception, there is STILL a chance you could get pregnant if you have intercourse). But it was never in the forefront of my mind. Kind of like how people know it's possible that if they buy a lottery ticket, they could win the lottery. Or that if dark clouds start forming, a tornado might come. One of those things that you know could happen but just don't really expect.

When I saw those two pink lines on my positive pregnancy test, my entire world shifted. All these thoughts pervaded my waking moments...mainly "what ifs." What if I am so sick for the entire pregnancy and I can't take care of Elizabeth? What if I lose this baby? What if I have to go on bedrest and I can't lift Elizabeth? What if my delivery is horrible and I need months to recover?

And mostly: How the heck am I going to handle two babies so close in age?

There are so many people out there who have multiple children close in age, and some closer in age than my two girls. And they always manage. But I wasn't like them...I'm not patient, or trusting, or unselfish. I didn't know how I was going to do it. Every time someone made the comment, "Wow, you are going to have your hands full!" (every 5.2 minutes to be exact) my doubts and anxieties grew even more.

Then...

I held her for the first time.

My sweet, amazing, gift from God. I can't really describe to you what an incredible baby she is. All of my doubts and fears and insecurities...all of them were for nothing. Because guess what happened? God had it all figured out. I am in the palm of His hand, whether I want to be or not. He gave me this beautiful, calm, easygoing baby. My life and my heart is fuller because of her. And now, I honestly can't imagine my life without two babies close in age. I am so thankful that it happened the way it did.

If *I* had been in control of the situation, I would have waited longer because I just assumed there was no way I would be able to handle having another baby so soon. But my precious Mary has taught me, just by being herself, that God knows what's best for me so much more than I do. And I notice more and more that when I totally surrender myself to him (which, for a control freak, is the hardest thing you can ever do), I feel a sense of peace and contentment that I never previously had.

Is God's will for us always easy? Haaaaahahaha. That's a funny joke, isn't it? Most of the time, it's going to be the more difficult path. But we can have faith that He will give us the grace to get through those difficult times. And after having Mary, I am trying, one day at a time, to LET GO. Even those small, every day decisions that seem like SUCH a big deal. God's got them all under control.

Here's the proof.

Natural Family Planning: A Love Story

I promised you I was going to write about Natural Family Planning here and here. And I always follow through on my promises...eventually!!! So here ya go. What is Natural Family Planning? Here's my take on it, from someone who loves and hates it with a passion.

Natural Family Planning is a wonderful way to "plan" your family size. It is morally acceptable because it does not separate sex from procreation, like contraception does. NFP IS NOT THE RHYTHM METHOD. The rhythm method doesn't work, because very few women actually have a perfect 28 day cycle. NFP is a scientific, evidence based method that is more accurate than any other method (contraception included). There are many different types of NFP you can use, but here are the basics:

• A woman has naturally occurring fertile and infertile times during her cycle. She notes the signs and observations as to when her fertile time occurs. All this information goes on a chart.
• Woman can take her temperature daily. Ideally, at around the same time every morning before she gets up, although there are other ways to take temperature for women who have crazy sleep schedules due to work/other circumstances. 
• During ovulation and the fertile period, her temperature will rise. It will stay high until her fertile period is over (unless she becomes pregnant, in which case her temperature will stay high).
• Woman can also check her cervical mucous every day. There are fertile and infertile types of mucous. I won't go into detail about that since some of you might not want to know, but if you want more info about that, visit here and here. (Warning...it has pictures)
• Woman can check her cervix daily. Soft and open typically means fertile, while closed and hard typically means infertile.

It costs virtually nothing. It is the healthiest possible choice for both the mother and the father. There are no invasive drugs, barriers, or operations. It is more effective at preventing pregnancy and achieving pregnancy than any other method. It's pretty much a win/win situation for everyone.

So...if that's all true, why the heck do more people not do it? Why do most people not even know about it?

Because of this: if you want to prevent pregnancy, you must abstain from sex during the woman's fertile time.

People see the words "abstain from sex" and they run away like frightened children who just witnessed me attempting to do something athletic. It especially bothers people if they see the words "during marriage" after the phrase "abstain from sex". "Ummmm...what??" some of you may be thinking. Or perhaps yelling at your computer. "Isn't getting married like a free license to engage in intercourse whenever, however, and wherever I feel like? I actually waited to have sex until I was married! I'm DONE abstaining!!"

According to society, we are animals. What do I mean by that? Well, what's the main difference between humans and animals? Humans have the ability to reason and exercise self control. Animals do not. Humans do not always react according to what our instincts tell us. We can, even though it's difficult, restrain ourselves. I might WANT to eat that fifth piece of pie, but I know it's probably not the best decision. So I settle for a mere four pieces. I might WANT to yell obscenities to that person driving the motorcycle who just cut me off, but I realize it would be better for me to control my anger, so I don't.

But here's the thing. We're not expected to exercise self control anymore. In our "quick, self-gratifying, what's in it for me" culture, it's now commonplace for us to simply take the easy way out. Want that 5th slice of pie? No problem! Just take a pill afterward that will settle your stomach. Want to yell obscenities at deserving motorists? Go ahead. Everyone else does it.

Contraception is the epitome of this phenomenon. (That sentence makes me feel smart) It allows us to throw any type of self control out the window. We don't have to worry about consequences anymore, so just do whatever you want, when you want!

Is this a Christ-like way to live? No. Jesus showed us, through His own life and words, that the only way to become holy is to deny ourselves. Will we always do this perfectly? No. But if we allow Jesus to take control and give everything to Him, He makes it possible.

When I tell people about NFP, here's the main question I get:
NFP doesn't sound any different than contraception to me. Both methods can be used to avoid pregnancy. So if they both achieve the same result, what's the difference? Why is one morally okay and the other is not?

My answer to this is: the end does not justify the means. I like to use a metaphor here. Let's say someone wanted to lose weight. There are many different ways this person could do that. But some ways are acceptable, some are not. If this person decided to become bulimic to lose weight, we would all agree that it would not be the right thing. She would be mistreating her body and using it in a way that it is not meant to be used. She would certainly lose weight. But she would damage herself and her body in the process. If, however, she decided to start exercising and controlling the amount of food she ate, it would be great! She would lose weight by treating her body in a way that it was meant to be treated. Both ways achieve the same end. But the means by which the end was achieved were very, very different.

God created woman with fertile and infertile times in her cycle. So choosing to abstain from sex completely during fertile cycles is not morally wrong. We have the ability to use logic, reason, and self control. It does not separate sex from procreation.

Freedom is not having the ability to do whatever we want. Freedom is having the ability to say "yes" or "no" to yourself. Is an alcoholic free? No, he is enslaved by his addiction. The one who is able to enjoy alcohol, but not let his desire to drink control his life, is truly free. Occasional abstinence during marriage can actually be a wonderful thing. It reminds us that we can have control of our instincts and desires. It makes us explore other avenues of bonding that we might not otherwise do. It deepens our spiritual life too...because let's face it...we NEED God to help us with abstinence.

And, of course, it's hard as hell.

I'm not going to lie or put it in a fancy little package for you. Practicing NFP to avoid pregnancy instead of using contraception can be SO. HARD. Abstaining from sex is VERY. DIFFICULT. Especially during marriage. Sometimes I resent it. I waited to have sex until I was married. I dated my now husband for 8 years. I, more than many people, understand how difficult abstinence is. And how it can be a cross. And how easy it is to cross the line.

But since when is following Jesus and doing the right thing easy? Can you think of any place in Scripture where Jesus says "Come, follow me, I'll give you the easy way out."? No. Throughout the New Testament, he is constantly telling his followers that they must choose the narrow path. The difficult path. The path that many do not trod. Many people walk away, not willing to change. They are comfortable, thank you very much. This Jesus guy is a little too radical for them.

I can tell you, from experience, that being open to life in my marriage has been the most wonderful experience I could imagine. Like I said earlier, sometimes it's hard. But it really has made my husband and me closer in our marriage. And, statistics actually show that couples who practice NFP have better, longer lasting marriages. Yay!

Family Size: Large Marges and Tiny Tims

Note: K, so I lied. I told you my next post was going to be about Natural Family Planning. Well, I started to write about it, but what I meant to be a "short introduction" to my post actually turned into an entire post in itself. So....I'm gonna go to confession for lying to y'all, and you can enjoy this post that resulted in my lie...but wait...does that mean you are partaking in my lie? Which would make you sin? Which would make me sin even more because I'm encouraging you to sin? AHHHHHH!!!! IS THIS REAL LIFE????


Sorry about that. Just read it. K? K.

I believe it is harder to be a mom now than it ever has been before. Sure, we have modern technology that make life a heck of a lot more convenient. We don't have to go to a river and wash our clothes. We can heat up leftovers in a matter of 30 seconds in the microwave and call that dinner. We have the ability to pop in a movie for the kids if things get a little too hectic around the house and mom needs a few minutes to herself.

But here's what most of us don't have: help. Trust me, I'm not degrading our husbands in any way. I appreciate and need my husband's help more than anything. And I have SO much support from family and friends who help with babysitting and cleaning that I'm probably one of the luckiest moms out there. What I'm referring to is a community of women to essentially live together and contribute their help in all areas that need it. Raising children. Cleaning. Cooking. Teaching. And, just as importantly, providing emotional and spiritual support for each other.

In just about every culture around the world up until present day, women lived this way. They lived in a community, either very near each other, or actually in the same house. They were raised by their own mothers and a whole lot of other women who were like mothers to them. They were taught from a very young age how to take care of their houses, their children, and their husbands. And they always had older, more experienced women around them to offer advice and support.

Now, family units are much smaller. A "typical" household consists of two parents and their children. Even if we live near our families, we might only see them a few times a month. Or even less, depending on the situation. Many families live clear across the country from each other, and can only visit once per year, or even less.

This presents a big problem for mothers. (I'm sure it does for fathers too, but I'm speaking from a mother's perspective). Whether you work outside the home or you work as a full time stay at home mom, you are expected to maintain your house and family in the same way women have been doing for thousands of years:

• Cook wholesome and healthy meals for your family
• Respect your family's budget by saving as much money as possible
• Keep your house clean and organized
• Make your place of living look and feel cozy, comfortable, and decorated
• Keep track of everyone's schedules
• Give individual attention to each member of your family on a regular basis
• Make time for yourself 
• Make time for prayer

In short, it's impossible to accomplish everything unless we have help constant, live-in help. Most of us don't. So we have to accept the fact that we just can't accomplish everything.

Large families used to be the norm. A family made up of two adults and 15 children was not anything mind blowing. Now, we have TV shows about these types of families. We view them almost the same way we view zoo animals: with wonder, awe, and fear. And, of course, we automatically categorize these families as "weird" or "religious zealots".

My husband and I have a joke about how people react when they are told the news of a pregnancy. For a couple's first and second pregnancy, the reaction is typically joy (assuming the circumstances of the pregnancy are good). For the third and fourth, people will start to get uneasy, warning the couple that they need to be "done." For a fifth or sixth, eyes will roll and comments will be muttered under their breath: "They DO know what causes pregnancy, right?" Anything seven or more will simply cause heads to shake...these couples have already made the "weird" and/or "religious zealot" list, and no one will be surprised.

Why is it so crazy in our current age to have big families? It is partly due to the contraceptive mentality in which we live. Children (and our fertility) are viewed as good things...as long as they are convenient for us. When they are not convenient, they are viewed as diseases that need to be "fixed." So we use pills and other methods to prevent pregnancy, making sex something totally twisted from what God originally intended for it to be.

It is also due to our consumerist and individualistic society. Our goals are to have enough money to be comfortable and to be able to give our children all the opportunities we can. We often feel sorry for large families who can't afford to go on vacations or go out to nice restaurants. "If only they would have been smarter and had less children," people say. But do you know what the funny thing is? In my experience, every single one of these families I have seen are happier than anyone else I know. They don't have a lot of money. They don't have a big house. Several children must share rooms. Sometimes they have to eat beans and tortillas for dinner for weeks so they can pay their bills. But they have each other. Life is hard and stressful for them, but they are the most fulfilled and peaceful people I know. Their homes are full of life and laughter.

The bottom line: God provides for those who trust in Him.

That being said, having a large family is not for everyone. Although the Catholic Church is against any form of contraception, She recognizes that there are serious situations in which a mother and a father might NEED a break from children. I think now, more than ever, parents have legitimate reasons to space their children out more than before. We don't have a community living situation in most cases like families in almost every generation before us did. We don't have the help. And sometimes, we get emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. Sometimes, serious health issues arise in which it would be extremely dangerous for a mother to get pregnant or give birth. Other times, a family's financial situation might be so dire that they in no way can afford another child at the moment.

For this reason, God gave us the scientific knowledge of Natural Family Planning, or NFP. Unlike contraception, it does not separate sex from procreation. It can be used to conceive children OR to avoid pregnancy. Keep on the lookout for my next post explaining what it is, how it works, and why it is a morally acceptable.

How An Old, Polish, Celibate Man Totally Rocked My Sex Life

When in high school, I often thought about what my life would be like as an adult. I pictured what most people do: I'd get married, enjoy married life for a few years, then have a few children.

CHOCOLATE!!!!

I knew that I wanted to save myself for marriage. Meaning: not have sex until I was married. Once I got married, I reasoned, I could enjoy that intimate part of marriage as much as I wanted with no limitations. It would be like never eating a bite of chocolate until one day you have a never ending supply of every kind of chocolate treat imaginable for years and years.

Using contraception was a give in. Of course I would use it. Until, of course, my husband and I carefully decided when the right time for us to have children would be. Why wouldn't we use it? Enjoy all the benefits of sex without having to worry about getting pregnant! It sounded great to me.

It was not until about a year after high school that I discovered the Catholic Church teaches that contraception in any form is morally wrong. And, just so we're clear, contraception means anything that inhibits conception of a baby during sex: withdrawl method, barriers (condoms and diaphragms), hormonal pills, shots, or other types of contraceptive medicine. What??!! The thought struck me as crazy. Everyone uses contraception. They call it "safe sex" for a reason. What did the Church expect us to do? Pop out as many children as humanly possible?

 I decided to just forget about it for awhile. Trent and I broke up, and I busied myself with other things. I didn't have time to worry or care about this teaching regarding contraception. I went to church every week, but that was about it. I started searching for happiness in all the wrong places. Which, of course, made me extremely unhappy.

I then discovered Trent was becoming Catholic, which took me greatly by surprise. I started talking to him about it, and asking why he made that decision. He sent me a series of CD's called "Naked Without Shame," which were talks given by Christopher West about St. (It's so awesome to be able to call him that now!!!!!) John Paul II's work on something called "The Theology of the Body". I listened to all of them. And I was completely blown away and amazed by the message I received.

It talked about how God created us all in His image. We are good. Our bodies are good. Sex is good. However, because of the fall of Adam and Eve, we now struggle with concupiscence, which is the tendency toward sin. What is the first thing that happened when Adam and Eve sinned? They realized they were naked. And they were ashamed.

It should not be this way. In the beginning, Adam saw Eve: all of her. He did not look at her naked body with lust. Rather, he saw it as one of the most beautiful things of all God's creation. He was awed by her. He desired her, yes. But in a good, holy, and wonderful way.

Unfortunately, though, Adam and Eve did sin. And we don't live in a perfect world anymore. Why do we need to wear clothes? To protect ourselves. Because if we didn't, most people would look at us with lust. They wouldn't see our bodies as a beautiful creation of God. They would see it with one thing in mind: self gratification.

I realized, after listening to these talks, why the Catholic Church has not "gotten with the times" on this issue of contraception, like almost every other Christian denomination out there. It is completely contrary to what God intended when he created Man and Woman. And when he created sex. Does that sentence surprise you? That God created sex? I have often heard people express shock or uneasiness when they see that Trent and I have a crucifix hanging right above our bed. "Doesn't that weird you out?" they ask. "I wouldn't want God watching me being intimate with my spouse!" My question to them is this: why wouldn't you want God involved in that part of your marriage?? There should be no shame in it. God created it. It is good. As long as it is being done in the way He intended.   

Contraception is nothing new. People have been using it in one way or another since they figured out how babies are made. But in the 1950's, something revolutionary happened. A "magic pill" was created that would essentially free women from their own bodies. They could have all the sex they wanted with NO consequences! No babies! Fewer STDs! It was a feminist's dream. In 1960, the pill was approved for contraceptive use. By 1963, almost 2.3 million women in the United States used it.

Many feminists admire Margaret Sanger, an activist who greatly advocated the use of all forms of birth control. Sanger's goal was to make it possible for all women to have control over their own reproduction and bodies. She claimed that contraception would eliminate the problem of women being used as objects of lust.

I propose that contraception does the complete opposite. When you take away the procreative part of sex, what does that leave you with? The pleasure. Believe me, I am not trying to say that pleasure in sex is a bad thing. God created it, therefore it is good. But when you separate the pleasure from the procreation, there is a problem. You are essentially using your spouse as a means for your own satisfaction. You are telling your spouse that you love her whole body...except for her fertility. You are telling God that you'd rather take His creation and only accept the parts that are convenient for you.

Here's the biggest problem I have (and the Church has) with contraception: It views fertility and children as a disease. The Catholic Church is all about medicine. In fact, many of the major scientific breakthroughs in the past (rabies and anthrax vaccine, penicillin, etc) were discovered by devout Catholics. But here's the thing: we only encourage medicine that helps the body do what it is meant to do. We would all laugh if a scientist came out with a miracle drug that could make you blind. We would think it was crazy if people started taking a pill that would suppress their kidneys from functioning correctly. Why is it, then, that it's suddenly "great" that we have the means to stop our reproductive organs from working? Whether that be through a pill, barrier, or other methods? It's not great. It's scary. And the fact that our society has not only accepted this as normal, but also now made it mandatory for everyone to have access to this, is beyond frightening to me.
 
Did you know?

Not one Christian Church or denomination accepted any form of contraception as morally permissible before 1930. Starting that year, the Anglican Church began accepting contraception. Soon after, most Christian Churches followed. In the present day, the Catholic Church is one of the only Christian churches that has remained true to its original teaching, despite heavy societal pressures

Did you know?

 

Margaret Sanger, founder of Planned Parenthood, pushed hard for contraception to be available for all. Part of her philosophy behind this was to create a purer human race. Her goal was to "assist the race toward the elimination of the unfit." This included handicapped people and racial minorities. She also wanted mandatory sterilization for the mentally challenged, to keep the "undeniably feeble-minded" from procreating. 

 Did you know? 

One of the active ingredients in most hormonal contraceptives is estrogen, which has been classified by the World Health Organization as a Class 1 carcinogen. What’s a Class 1 carcinogen, you ask? It’s a chemical with sufficient evidence proving it’s carcinogenicity to humans. Other chemicals that share this distinction are arsenic, asbestos, silica dust, and tobacco. Another chemical that is in Depo Provera (the shot) is depo-medroxyprogesterone acetate (DMPA) which has been linked with a 2.2 increase in breast cancer. (source)

St. John Paul II realized this crisis was taking place at a level it never had before. He addressed it with urgency and compassion. He reminded us that marriage and sex are so holy and wonderful that God actually commanded Adam and Eve to partake in it. And he warned us what would happen if we continued down this self destructive path.

St. John Paul II, with his accessible explanations on the teachings about the beauty of sex and marriage, changed my life. He changed my husband's life. He changed the lives of countless individuals. He is more than a Pope to me, and more than a Saint. I've never met him or even seen him in person, but I feel as though I know him.

Because of him, my husband and I have the knowledge that so many people do not have. We understand that not using contraception is sometimes a very difficult thing to do. But it has made our marriage so much more beautiful and whole. When we made our marriage vows, that we would give all of ourselves to each other, we meant them. And we relive those vows over and over in our marriage. It is our greatest wish that others will ponder this beautiful command that Christ gave us. To be open to life. To experience sex in the way it was meant to be experienced.

Instead of casting this aside and forgetting about it, like I did many years ago, I hope you think about my words. Our decision to not use contraception has been the most difficult, amazing, and prayerful decision we have ever made in our marriage. I look at my daughter and wonder if she would be here, had we not been open to life. I can say with almost 100% certainty that the little life in my womb right now would not be here, had we not left it up to God.

You might have read all this, and still be wondering: "Well, that's great and all, but how can the Catholic Church expect a woman to have as many babies as she possibly can? That doesn't seem healthy or morally right."
The Church still recognizes that there are situations in which it would be best for a married couple to avoid pregnancy, such as serious health reasons. The great thing is, there is a morally acceptable way to do this that doesn't contradict God's original intent in sexuality. I'll talk about that in my next post about Natural Family Planning. Stay tuned!

Was This Baby Planned?

By far the most popular question people have asked me about this pregnancy has been:

1) "Was this baby planned?"
OR
2) "Was this an accident?"

Regarding the first question:

First of all, yes. All babies are planned. By God. His timing is more perfect than anything we could imagine. And, as in all areas of life, although His timing might not always seem convenient, I think He knows what He's doing way more than I do.

Second of all, to me, this is a HIGHLY personal question that I really don't think people should ask unless they know the mom and dad well. If an expecting couple feels like volunteering that information to you, then that's great. But family planning is a very complicated situation that includes a LOT of factors, many of which are preferred to be kept known only to the mom and dad. It's an emotional process, something that many people forget. Every time you ask parents: "So, how come you haven't given Freddie a little brother or sister yet?" you could be, without realizing it, piercing a knife into their hearts. How do you know they haven't been trying to have a baby, but can't get pregnant again? How do you know if perhaps they have had more pregnancies, but have suffered the terrible and lonely loss of miscarriage?

Regarding the second question:

Was this an accident? How I loathe this question. The term "accident" should never even be in the same sentence when discussing pregnancy.

Accident

Not an accident

Guess what folks? If a man and a woman have sex, they can get pregnant. If they do get pregnant, it means that something went right. Their bodies are working the way they were meant to work. I won't start discussing contraception here, since that's for another blog post. But the fact that calling a baby an "accident" is now commonplace shows how much our culture values human life. And doesn't it just seem strange that "sex" and "babies" are now automatically separated? Maybe we all need to retake Health class.

Everyone needs to realize that these very deep, heavy questions aren't really the subject of small talk. The best way you can react to news of a pregnancy is by showing excitement and support. It's almost guaranteed that the parents are, to some extent, freaked out (depending on the situation, some more than others). I can't tell you how calming it is when people react with joy to our news. It's much nicer than "Wow. You are gonna have your hands full!" or "Jeeze, good luck...you're gonna need it!" I do understand this, and TRUST ME, these thoughts have run through my head far more than they have yours.

So do you want to know if my current pregnancy was planned? I'll answer that like I do to most other people: yes. It was perfectly planned by the One who created our precious baby, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Man Bashing Culture

I've never been that great at math (or really any subject except music), but here's my equation for the day:

I'm not a feminist in the modern sense. I don't believe that men and women are the same. I think it's fine to let girls play with dolls and boys play with blocks. I love wearing makeup and dresses and jewelry. I enjoy making dinner for my family every day. More than anything else I do, being a wife and mother are the most important jobs in my life. And unfortunately, many women today think this view is shameful and degrading to women. 

This is because people automatically think that the statement "Men and women are not equal" means the same thing as this:

OR

It doesn't. It simply means they are not the same. They are different. Just like an apple and an orange are different. And that's a GOOD THING! God made us this way. 

Those of you who knew me as a younger girl might be saying: "Hey. Wait a sec. You were the one who was always playing with bugs, wearing overalls with t-shirts, rolling in the mud, wrestling with other neighbors, and carrying around your older brother's alien action figures." Yes, I know. I used to be a tomboy. I would not have been caught dead in a dress. My mother had to force me to make myself look presentable (as in, not looking like I had just crawled out of a garbage dump). 

So I understand better than most that some people are naturally more "feminine" or "masculine" than others. But regardless of how much a woman enjoys her pearls, the fact of the matter is that women and men are not, and never will be, the same. Should they be shown equal love and respect? Of course. But are they able to do absolutely anything just as well as the opposite sex can? Not so much.

In particular, the role of a mother and a father are two completely different and vital roles that help shape a child. A mother simply cannot give her child the same values and lessons that a father can. Similarly, a father cannot help his child grow and learn in the same way that a mother does. This is why it is always a sad situation when families grow up without a mother or a father figure. Single parents, or families where either the mother or father are not emotionally or physically present (i.e., alcoholic, deployed, health issues, etc)  have the toughest job in the world because they are expected to do a job that is virtually impossible: be two people at once.

Society completely disregards these important roles in a family and thinks they can be filled by anyone. What really sparked my interest in this was the Olympic "Thanks Mom" commercials. My immediate thoughts after seeing these commercials were this:

1) Wow, that's awesome that they are showing so much appreciation for their moms.

2) But wait...what about the dads? Don't they have something to do with it too?

I really do think we live in a "man bashing" culture. It's just fine to give women credit for a job well done, but if a man does it? No big deal. Women can complain about the agony of childbirth or periods or PMS, but if a man complains about an ailment? He's being a wimp. And it's even worse for fathers. When a woman is pregnant, she must go through all the physical, emotional, and mental upheavals while the baby grows inside of her and after the baby is born. What does the man do? According to society, he has sex with her and gets her pregnant. And that's about it.

Well, I don't agree. I think that fathers go through the bad stuff too, except they are not allowed to say anything about it. Because if they do, God forbid, then we yell at them: "Excuse me, are YOU the one with an 8 pound watermelon inside of your uterus?" or "I'm sorry, I can't hear you, I'm too busy trying not to vomit for the fifth time today." or "Oh, poor thing, it must have been really difficult for you to contribute your genetic material to our baby." (By the way, yes, I've said all these things to my poor husband in my less-than-holy moments).

When I watch my child or someone I love suffer, I feel so helpless. It's the worst feeling in the world. That must be how most fathers feel as they watch their partners go through a difficult pregnancy, birth, postpartum depression, or even things like severe periods or PMS. In these cases, fathers imitate the Blessed Virgin Mary, when she had to stand by and watch her son suffer and die.

In writing this, I realize that I am EXTREMELY blessed to have an amazing, supportive husband who is an exemplary father. I also grew up in a family where my own father was always there for me and loved me unconditionally. I understand that sadly not all fathers (or mothers, for that matter) are like this. Unfortunately, there is some truth to society's skewed view of a father's limited role in his family simply because there are men who just want to use a woman's body for their own instant gratification and be done with it. If the woman gets pregnant, well, she's on her own. But I don't think it's fair that all the good fathers out there must suffer because of the small percentage of bad guys. 

Why don't we say this more often:

 Just as much as moms.
What you bring to a family is essential and unable to be filled by anyone else, even mom.

You are your daughter's knight in shining armor.
You are your son's role model for what it means to be a man.

Your children look up to you in a way they do to no one else.
Your family appreciates everything you do (even though they might not always show it).

It's great that you like sports or hunting or video games or stupid movies like "Top Gun" that most women just don't get. You add something different to your family that no one else can.

And most of all: